The Kitchen Person ultimate cheese guide

Danish Blue - like licking a mouldy fridge, this Panzer attack of savouriness is the black hole into which most of the earth's salt reserves have been poured. Stick to the pastries and TV dramas. 

Ready grated Parmesan - perfect for cheese lovers who are unable to figure out exactly how a grater works. Buy in a cardboard tub for that authentic two-day-old-dried-vomit-on-a-dirty-carpet aroma.

Dairylea - an emulsion of water, skimmed milk (and some cheese) all magically held together by sheer force of profit motive. Any child of the 70's will instantly recognise the unmistakeable flavour of parental neglect. Pairs perfectly with brown floral wallpaper and G-plan furniture.

Philadelphia with Cadbury's - you're a real go-getter, you're clawing your way to the top. You're juggling work, play and family life with a career on the side as an international assassin. You don't have the time, or frankly inclination to eat chocolate and cheese separately. You want it all, all of the time. You want medium fat soft cheese, you want fat-reduced cocoa powder and you want locust bean gum in your face-hole now!

Primula with ham - comes in a handy tube, perfect for squeezing directly into the mouth at 3.00am after downing a crate of Stella while binge-watching an entire season of Entourage. Can also be used as a substitute for toothpaste, grouting and spot cream.